Somewhere over the rainbow...

One two three o'clock, four o'clock ROCK,
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock ROCK,
Nine, ten, Eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock ROCK,
I'm gonna ROCK around the CLOCK tonight...

Still...writing papers...kind of in a dazy, hazy void emotionally right now...I'm assuming this is a result of my lack of sleep. I am getting grumpy really easily so DON'T PISS ME OFF! :) :)

40 more hours and then I can relax. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this...I should proably stop typing in my blog and f-in do it already.

Who needs sleep?

Today's posting is brought to you by the letter S for sleep and the numbers 6 and 3 which are the number of hours of sleep I've got in the last 3 days...don't worry, I'm not complaining...I know its my fault...

Who Needs Sleep?

Words & Music by Steven Page & Ed Robertson

Now I lay me down not to sleep
I just get tangled in the sheets
I swim in sweat three inches deep
I just lay back and claim defeat

Chapter read and lesson learned
I turned the lights off while she burned
So while she's three hundred degrees
I throw the sheets off and I freeze

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts
is that I won't sleepI countdown,
I look around

Who needs sleep?
(well you're never gonna get it)
Who needs sleep?
(tell me what's that for)
Who needs sleep?
(be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War)

My hands are locked up tight in fists
My mind is racing filled with lists
of things to do and things I've done
Another sleepless night's begun

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown,
I look around
Who needs sleep?
(well you're never gonna get it)
Who needs sleep?
(tell me what's that for)
Who needs sleep?
(be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War)

There's so much joy in life,
so many pleasures all around
But the pleasure of insomnia
is one I've never found
With all life has to offer,
There's so much to be enjoyed
But the pleasures of insomnia
are ones I can't avoid

Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown,
I look around
Who needs sleep?
(well you're never gonna get it)
Who needs sleep?
(tell me what's that for)
Who needs sleep?
(be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War)

AAAHHH

Will I ever get this paper done? I just want to go to sleep...

Procrastinatino is the name of the game...

Yes well I have completed just over a page on one essay and I feel that I deserve a break. Not really, but I want one. I was checking out other people's blogs and I found this one guy who had inserted that chain email, the one where you copy and paste and answer all these questions about yourself and I thought, hey that's cool. It will be like a mini-time capsule with me in it! So sorry folks but I'm gonna do it too...here goes:

1.) What is your full name?

Well, I was hoping to remain anonomous so we'll just say Pinky the Poet, the being my middle name.

2.) What colour pants are you wearing?

I'm wearing what Dr. Phill would call my fat pants, and their beige/tan

3.) What are you listening to right now?

Nothing except the sound of my own typing. Roomates are in bed and I'm pulling an all-nighter.

4.) What's the last thing that you ate?

Winnie the Pooh Fruit Snacks...thanks for the care package mom!


5.) Do you wish on STARS.

Yes, but I think I've been wishing on the wrong one.

6.) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be?

I would be the blue-green crayon. Or I would be one of those crazy new colours they came out with last year when they released their 100th anniversary pack...is it sad that I know that?


7.) The weather right now?

It's cold and windy...but we haven't had an earthquake lately.

8.) Last person you talked to on the phone?

That was 2 days ago and my mom. I apparently don't talk on the phone much. In fact I think I need to recharge it...

9.) Do you like the person that sent this to you?

Oh yes...very much...especially since it was me.


10.) How old are you today?

22 years, 5 months and 24 days...what, no hours?

11.) Favourite Drink?

Virgin: diet coke
Alcoholic: They call me Pinky The Paralyzer Princess for a reason.

12.) Hair Colour?

Blond with red streaks

13.) Favourite Sport?

To watch: Hockey
To play: well, I like to swim.

14.) Do You Wear Contacts?

I own them but I don't wear them. Don't tell my Dad.

15.) Siblings?

This question depends on what day you ask me. Today, it is one sister. Sometimes, it is a sister and a brother - don't even ask.

16) Favourite Month?

August because it is still summer but we are preparing to go back to school.

17.) Favourite food?

Pitas - with lots of veggies and tzatziki sauce

18.) Last Movie that you Watched?

The Stepford Wives, I watched it at B's house with C.

19.) Favourite Day of the Year?

Its a tie between the first and last day of school each year.

20.) What do you do to VENT Anger?

I used to eat, now I get some fresh air, go for a walk or write in my blog.

21.) What was your favourite toy as a Child?

I think it was the doll my grandma gave me.

22.) Summer or Winter?

I prefer the fall.

23.) Hugs or Kisses?

I have more experience with hugs...

24.) Chocolate or Vanilla?

What about toffee?

25.) Do you want your Friends/Family to write/email back?

Leave a comment.

26.) Who is most likely to respond?

(YOUR NAME HERE)

27.) Who is least likely to respond?

(YOUR NAME HERE)

28.) Living Arrangements?

I live on campus in a town home with 3 other girls. My room is a mess. Most of the time I like it that way.

29.) When was the last time you cried?

After HE came over and played cribbage with me. I was at B's house. I felt stupid.

30.) What is under your BED?

Drawers, one filled with office supplies and the other with underwear and socks.

31.) Who is the Friend that you've had the longest?

My mom. (How cheesy is that? But its true.)

32.) What did you do last night?

Played Monopoly with C and B...read some books for my paper.

33.) Favourite Smells?

Eternity Cologne, Fresh baked bread, English Toffee Tea and Chanel No. 5

34.) What inspires you?

People. Especially people who are fairly ordinary and do extrodanary things (I should mention that a lot of those people are teachers!)

35.) What frightens you?

Failure and being alone.

36.) Plain,Buttered,or Salted Popcorn?

I don't really like popcorn but if I have to pick I'd say buttered, no salt.

37.) Favourite Car?

1995 Ford Mustang GT, red with a sunroof. - or at this point in my life just A car will do.

38.) Favourite Flower?

Sunflowers are my favourite but I like all flowers (weeds included) but NOT, I repeat NOT carnations. Note extreme passion on the subject.

39.) Number of Keys on your Key Ring?

3 - bedroom, house and mail.

40.) Can you juggle?

No, I have difficulty with fine motor skills.

41 .) Favourite Day of the Week?

Thursday. No reason...just 'cause.

42) What did you do on your last birthday?

I had a BBQ at my house and we played bored games. It was fun.

43.) In how many Provinces &/or States have you lived?

One. Alberta. There are other provinces?

44.) In How Many Cities/towns, have you Lived?

High Level, Grimshaw, Peace River and Lethbridge. (Medicine Hat, and Duchess if you count student-teaching practicums.)

45.) How many cars have you had & What was the 1st car that you had?

I owned a 1986 Potiac Sunburst. That's right. Sunburst. For those of you who care a Sunburst is identical to a GM Spectrum 'cept the name.

46.) Where were you born?

High Level, Alberta

47.) When was the last time you:
Talked on the phone? I told you, it was like 2 days ago.
Talked to your crush? I don't have crushes any more. They are dangerous.
Talked to your bestfriend? If MSN counts then like 45 minutes ago.
Watched your favorite movie? Last week
Watched your favorite T.V show? Last week

48.) Last four digits of your phone number?

Yeah, that doesn't seem like a smart thing to be posting on the internet...

49.) Ever been in a car crash?

When I was a baby.

50.) One nice thing about the person that sent this to you:

She's good at procrastination...

Really Quick...

Okay...I have to make this quick 'cause I still have 2 papers to write tonight and they are due tomorrow am...maybe later I will write again just to keep myself awake. There will be no sleep tonight. It is not possible. Anyway, I just have to get out this thought. Ct came over last night to chat with me. I mean whoa...like we dated (ish) for a week and a half. And I just wasn't interested at the time because he like never talked. We never talked. I don't even meen deep conversations I mean the weather, nothing. But for some strange reason (and I do have a theory on the reason, I'll get to that later) he came over last night. I went outside for some fresh air and then a few minutes later he came out and saw me, and walked over and we chatted. Nothing mind breaking, just a nice little chat. YAY! The guy can talk! My theory on the why is that last week when I had the long conversation with his friend (my friend?) R, I mentioned that Ct never seemed to talk...like he was the quietest guy on the planet. My guess is that R told him to open his mouth and talk to me. My friend B, reminded me that I need to be cool about this and not turn it into another imaginary friend fiasco. I don't think that could happen this time because in that situation I was unable to see the guy's faults and in this one, I already recognize that Ct is human. I just think it is cool that he talked to me 'cause hey, who doesn't need more friends right? So...stay posted and we'll see what happens. Wish me luck on my essays.

Answers

Ever the hopeless romantic...this is a poem I wrote a while ago and somehow it just seems to fit my mood so I am going to include it. It is not really about any person, it is about that imaginary one...the one that I so despirately need to believe is out there. I do believe it and it hurts. But don't worry...I am not in a sad mood, but rather a nostalgic, wistful, romantic mood. Introspective and all that...so anywho-here it is:

Answers

So, what do you do if you’re in love?
Do you cry about love?
Do you beg on bended knee?
Do you scream on a crowded bus?
Do you pour yourself,
And him,
Into pursuit too much, too strong, too often?

Is that what you want?
Is it lust that you want?
Or do you just think he is the goal?
I can do, or be anything for him,
Except perfect or matching or any more.
I am not sure I want to be any less.

It is a long and splendid journey,
Or so I am told.
Is it worth it?
Will I like it?
What if I cannot let go?
Cannot release, renew, behold?
I want to be held.

I think too much,
Do too much,
Laugh too much,
Quit too much, for me, to love me.
Maybe that is what it is.
Maybe that is what I need to see,
Maybe he needs to see me.

*************
HE said he saw me...but he was drunk and denied it the next day. I will hold on to that though, even though HE is not worth my time, it feels nice to have been loved and held, even if it was only for a momment and even if it was followed by a not-so-nice experience. Hopefully I will have the courage to move on to new prospects, to let another man see me. The ultimate question is did he really see me? If he did then would he have said such horrible things afterwards? I will get over this. I will get over this. I will get over this. I am making a mountain from a molehill. I will get over this. I'm just having a momment. We are all allowed to have our momments right?

Strawberry Banna Torte...or Heaven?

Oh my god...I just finnished eating this strawberry banana torte thing from Tim's (Horton) and it was absolutly fabulous. Better than sex I'd imagine (I have to imagine, being the only 22 year old virgin left...it's all good though). Anyway as I was eating it I thought of that Friend's episode...its a thanksgiving episode and Monica lets Rachel make the torte...she gets the recipe mixed up because the pages are stuck together and ends up with like cake, then strawberries, then pudding, then cake, the potatoes, then peas and carrots, then ground beef or something. Ross eats it and says "it tastes like feet" and Joey starts gobbling it down and when everyone is like "How can you eat that?" Joey's response is "Why? Cake...good...pudding...good...potatoes...good...meat...good...what's not to love?" I'm howling just thinking about it because in a bizare way that is how I approach my cooking.

So I had this really incredible dream last night. OOhhh.. IN-CREDIBLE...does that mean I have to assume it is not credible...yikes. Anyway, it was about this guy, we'll call him Alex (name changed to protect the innocent). I used to work with this guy and he is really amazing. We used to flirt lots and lots but every time I would finally work up the courage to ask him out he would start dating someone. So anyway, in this dream, we were going on a date- to a concert and I was staying at his family's house and even in his room. But then I told him how I felt about him and he was like, why did you do that? If you hadn't told me then we could have shared a bed tonight. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.......... Now I am confused. My dreams always have meanings, I know they do. The only meaning I can come up with for this one is that I am too forward with guys and it is scaring them off. But...but...but...(insert frustrated stuttering here)...but my policy has usually been that I only live once and so if I like a guy and he's not taken, then I should ask him out. I mean worst case senario, he'll say no and that's not that big of a deal because you can't lose something you never had right? As far as I'm concerned the only way you can lose something you never had is if you are unwilling to go out there and GET IT. Let me know what you people think...am I right? am I wrong? How so? Or maybe you have a different interpolation of my dream. I do know that we were still friends after, and juding by how safe and comforted I felt like in the morning he hugged me and held me. Oh bother...maybe this dream just means I should call him up and ask him to go for coffee...that I want to do that but am just afraid of rejection? Help me people...let me know... and soon because this is hindering my paper writing!

A recipe...

Okay, due to my last entry, I thought I should add a recipe for y'all to try out. This is a cassorole that I invented because it just made sense...but don't forget, experiment with it and try it out in different ways. I've made it a couple of times and every time iits a little different.

Edward's Cassorole

Step One: Cook some boneless chicken, thighs work or breasts - I like to bake mine in the oven.
Step Two: Boil some potatoes to be mashed - leave the peels on if you want, that's were all the vitamens are.
Step Three: Make some stuffing - for added variety put mushrooms and onions in it.
Step Four: When chicken, potatoes and stuff are cooked layer them in a pan (like a cassorole dish or an 8x12 cake pan...) chicken, then stuffing, then some frozen mixed vegetables and then mashed potatoes)
Step Five: using a fork make a pretty pattern on the top of the potatoes
Step Six: Sprinkle a small amount of grated cheese on the top
Step Seven: Bake in the oven for at least 1/2 and hour at anywhere from 350F to 400F depending on how crispy you want the top layer of potatoes to be.

Serve.

I call it Edward's Cassorole because it is named after a friend of mine's husband who loves it and is always asking me to make it for him.

Enjoy!

Good Times

Well, yesterday was cool. My Aunt and Uncle came down to visit me and brought me an awesome care package from my folks...then I put my good bra on and went out with my friend C. It was kind of a weird night, I definately was too drunk. I got kind of in a sad/mad drunk and that rarely happens to me. When I got home, I woke my roommate up b/c I fell on the stairs...missed that last step in the dark. I remember thinking, gee that hurts, but its going to hurt a lot more when I wake up and yeah, I was right. Finally got my fat ass swimming again today. Spent a glorious 45min in the pool. And it felt so awesome. My friend B is still a little sick so I was thinking "what can I do to make her feel better?" So I went over after I had been at the pool and cooked her some chicken soup from scratch. I love to cook, and I especially like cooking for her family because they are always raving about what a good cook I am. For those of you who aren't necessarily the best cooks, my advice is EXPERIMENT. Cooking is not about following recipes. You have to just throw things in a pot and hope for the best. Try different spices and ingredients you wouldn't normally use. You will get some duds, just if you're trying something totally out there, test it on yourself first. It helps that I have a dad who will eat anything. Poor guy has had his share of disasters that I created. I am the queen of cassaroles...seriously, if you bake almost everything in the oven, it will taste good. And one of the most basic cures for that dish that just doesn't taste right...a lot of ketchup and salt and pepper and you won't even notice. There are very few things in a kitchen that have to be cooked "just so." So if you're out of green beans - use peas or carrots...don't feel like making that cream sauce from scratch--cream of mushroom soup works awesome...sick of eating your KD all by its lonesome - put in a little salsa, or a can of tomato paste (makes a very creamy tomato sauce). Through some frozen mixed veggatables in it too...variety is key...no green beans with KD though. I don't know why but it just tastes wrong...but hey, maybe you'll like it? PS...if the way to a man's heart is through his stomach - I am going to be one popular woman!

More...

I don't feel like I am quite done. I haven't purged well enough...speaking of purging, I need to eat something...just kidding! I kind of feel a poem coming on...bear with this one because it will be a first draft...lets see...

Growing up is a challenge
That I am not afraid to meet
Life is so very full of lessons
From every person on the street

Okay...looks like this is going to be a rhyming poem...

I wake up each morning,
And every single day,
I am greeted by the thought,
That I have choices to do and say.

Each time I put my socks on
Left and right,
I am reminded of my choices,
From last night.

And during my leisurly walk to school
I think how I'll be okay,
To meet and greet and sing and cry,

ew...gross carrot...

And during my daily walk to school
I think how I can try again
To learn and love and laugh
And keep from driving me insane

Okay...this is not working out...can't write a poem on the computer. I am going to take a momment and write this out by hand and this post it...brb...

***********time lapse*************

Okay, I did it...here it is...in all its cheesey glory...I called it Personal Growth...

Personal Growth

Growing up is a challenge
That I am not afraid to meet
Life is so very full of lessons
From every person on the street

I wake up each morning,
And every single day,
I am greeted by the thought,
That I have choices to do and say.

Each time I put my socks on
First on my left then right,
I am reminded of my choices,
That I may have made last night.

Next, I think I’ll go to school,
So I can learn some more,
Repetition is my enemy,
Bad habits, I abhor.

I smile and greet my neighbors,
As I walk through hall A and B,
I wonder what’s around the corner,
What lesson will I see?

To each of you who read this,
I have some advice to give,
If you can’t look for life’s lessons,
You’ll never learn how to live.

It needs some work on the meter but it is my poem...and I like it. What are your thoughts?

Finally

Okay...so I just finnished talking with HIM. Doesn't feel so rewarding to put his name in capitals anymore...he kind of apologized. Well, at least he acknowledged that his behavior was not cool. I have made Monopoly night official...finally talked to the guy with the board. And I invited HIM. He is worried that it won't be a game...'cause there is too many people. So what? I said. It is only a game. I don't need it to be all intense or anything. I just want it to be a fun night... I think it will be. So back to our talk. He is still kind of upset that I made such a big deal out of THAT NIGHT. But the fact of the matter is, it was a big deal. It was a huge thing for me and even if it wasn't for him, that doesn't make my feelings and emotions any less valid. I think that my strong emotions are important to who I am. I mean, without my tendencies toward extremes, I wouldn't have the passion for life and the zest for my goals that I have. I am driven and that is part of what makes me a special person. Just because it is unattractive to him does not mean that there is not some guy out there who is going to say "Wow, she has a lot of passion, in everything and that is very cool." Maybe it is just my idealism creeping out again but I love my idealism. I like that I try to see things in a positive way, that I hold on to my dreams no matter how fanciful they may be. It has worked well for me in some ways and not so well in others. Screw balance! I love extremes...extreme lows are totally made up for in the fact that my extreme highs are that much higher. I wouldn't like to live in moderation. Maybe some people don't see that as healthy but for me, my theory is that as long as I can learn to channel my desire for extremes into healthy goals and healthy relationships, I will live a full and extremely loving life. Just think how special the people around me must feel to know that if I care for someone I really care for them. I care about their choices, their lives and their success. My friends are real friends because I love so much. I would do anything for my friends, I will do anything to reach my goals and this is all a good thing as long as I make good friends and great goals. Am I right? I think I am right. They say it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all and I wholeheartedly agree. I would not change THAT NIGHT if it were to mean that I would have to have given up the wonderful way I felt about HIM right up to that moment. All the hurts and trials of my life are valuable and are helping me grow as a person. At that is what my life is about. That is my ultimate goal after all...I am learning how to live. Now if I could just learn how to write in paragraphs...actually for those of you wondering why I don't put my writing in paragraphs it is because I am using this blog as a sort of therepy. I am trying to curb my daydreaming sessions by purging my crazy thoughts and extreme emotions through writing. And that translates into not always gramatically perfect or format perfect writing. My writing comes out exactly how I think it and I do not go back and edit. My thoughts are my thoughts here in this blog, they exist, they are, they are valid, they are raw and unedited. What a truely amazing exercise, don't you agree? As mentioned earlier this blog is not about learning how to "write good" but rather about learning how to live. Yay!

Crazy day...crazy nights...

Okay, so I've been in a totally weird mood today. Good weird. Have you ever thought about the word doilie? It's a weird word. Say it with me...DOILIE... Okay, sorry. I'm not certain why I'm apologizing but sorry just the same. Today started off pretty basic, class, then class, then I watched my friend's kid...then grocery shopping, then cooked supper for my friend, then grocery shopping with my room-mate...nothing special, but in a weird mood just the same. Last night was weird too. I went to check my mail over at the Patterson Centre at like 6pm, got sidetracked by this guy who is a friend of a guy I dated briefly...we talked for like 4 1/2 hours. Nothing special, just stuff. I got a little more info on my the thing with the one guy didn't work out...I was like, I don't want to chase a guy, I'm sick of being that girl. And he was like, well ______ needs to be chased. Fine. We'll just be friends. Life goes on. I'm probably going out dancing tomorrow. I would really like to find some random guy to make out with - kind of for an ego boost you know? But, lets be realistic...it probably won't happen. It should be fun to dance anyway. Next week I am planning a big monopoly game. I am super pumped but I have got to come up with some ground rules I think. Seem's to me that Monopoly is one of those games where everyone has different rules...I don't need any fights breaking up over a game. Why is it that guys get so worked up over games? I mean, I suppose there are girls out there who are the same way, but I just don't get it. IT IS JUST A GAME. For example, last week HE came over to discuss THE NIGHT with the ruse of a cribbage game. Dude got actually made at me when I supposedly cut the deck wrong...like really are you kidding me? Then he trys to like justify it by saying, well I'm not calling you on how you're dealing...you should never deal to the left...WHAT? IT IS JUST A GAME. Sorry. I know I shouldn't get all worked up about it but it is just so frustrating to think about. So, like my friend C so wisely said, "Fuck him." Yeah, truth be told I am still angry at him. He was stupid, and I was stupid for not having the courage to tell him so. I haven't decided if I will invite him to play monopoly. I don't want it to be a mean game - I mean, it should get a little competative but not cruel...just all in good fun. I don't know if he is smart enough to tell the difference though. If you're out there reading this feel free to leave me your ideas for some "house rules" for my monopoly game...and even better - if you know me and are reading this, come out and play but remember, IT IS JUST A GAME... (oh yeah, and I kind of have been known to cheat at monopoly so you better keep an eye on me - and never let me be the banker!)

Not so bad I guess...

Well, this day had a slow start but it definately got better. I spent like 9 hours doing school work and that doesn't even include the time spent in the classroom! Oh well, its almost over right? I didn't see HIM today, but I thought about him a little more than was healthy. I studied at the library where I knew he might be but luckily he wasn't there. I don't really know what to say about today...I chatted on MSN with my cousin who I haven't seen since we were in jr. high. I was telling her that I was thinking of coming out to visit her and my other cousins/family in the summer of 2006. I would do it this summer but I have no $ and I am already going on a road trip in August to Southern BC. My friend C and I are going to check out a few towns she grew up in and attend our friend B's wedding in BC. My parents are going to help fund it as my graduation gift. I can't really think of a better gift than great memorries and good times with friends. These trips are the kind of thing that get planned and then forgotten but I am not going to forget this one. I really want to go, and I really don't see why I can't. Especially if I have a teaching job because I am willing to try and get a loan or something to pay for it if my parent's bail. It just seems like the perfect way to end my "era" in Lethbridge. Plus I love driving and have always wanted to go to Southern BC. I've explored many parts of our great country over the years but never that part of BC. Some teachers like to travel the world on their summer breaks but I think one of my goals is going to be to travel all over Canada. I am sure there are tons of great things to see and with my Mennonite relatives I know I have relatives in like every corner of this country. I'm very excited about this...and also very tired right now...perhaps spending so much time on schoolwork is why...must sleep soon...good night!

A New Day Has Begun...

I've had this poem in my head all morning. Don't know why...well, I know why but I am avaoiding that issue. Missed my nine o'clock classs already...it's not nine yet but I don't have magical powers to get there in 3 minutes now do I? I've got to get my Ed and Stagecraft projects done today, so...I'm bringing everything I'm gonna need and I am going to stay in the library until it is complete. Anyway...here's the poem that was in my head. Maybe I'l blog more later...

Romance

So much depends
Upon

Moonlight and
Beer

Changing your
Vision

Forgetting
I am human

yeah...so if you haven't caught on I scammed the format for that one from William Carlos Williams...

Trying to remain Optmomistic

Well, today was kind of a day of BLAH. I don't know, maybe its because I didn't work out yesterday or today. I usually take one day off in a weekend but not two. Bad Pinky. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day right? I did one good thing though...I was really craving pizza and wings from Pizza73 but I didn't. Had carrots instead...go carrots. :) I caught myself thinking about HIM a little too much today. Wishing I had told him where to go and how to get there, wishing things hadn't worked out how they had...mostly wishing he would come over and just hold me. The thing is he would never do that, that is the fantasy and in the words of Eminem, I had to "snap back to reality." Do you ever feel alone? I have no reason to feel alone, I have great friends, amazing parents, goals, dreams, a solid future. But sometimes I just want to be held you know. Or at least know that somewhere out there, there is someone who wants to hold me. Someone who will see my inner beauty and kiss me but not take it all back when they are sober. Actually it would be great if they could tell me all that when they are sober. My whole theory on the only truly honest people are children and drunks - well it hurts. My friend's five-year-old figured I was 55 years old (I'm only 22) and that's cute. Telling me that you do see the inner beauty and then walking away because HE can't get past my rather padded exterior, well that is just immature, irresponsible and almost immoral. I mean really, am I the bad person? If you asked me 10 minutes ago if I was over that crazy night, I would have said Yes. But I think in reality it hurt me rather deeply. And that is my fault. I let him make me feel inferior and stupid. Well I am not. And its not like he is this evil bad guy either. We've all done things that hurt people and I refuse to believe that everyone is evil. I guess that is just the nature of life. We take risks, we allow people to see our insides and well, sometimes it hurts. I'll be okay and I am happy being civil with him. I just want to not feel alone any more. I can't believe I let him doubt that there is someone out there for me. Hell, even if there isn't that doesn't mean that I can't live a normal, happy healthy life right?

Slow Day

Well...not much to report right now. I'll probrably put in another entry later this evening. I'm off to do laundry and procrastinate my Stagecraft projects once again. I really am going to get it done. Honest. Anyway, I am feeling a little weird and thought I'd post one of the poems I've written. Here goes:

Faking It

Found
One oversized friendship
Too late and too tired
Crisp, sharp, twisted smiles
Plastic faces meet vinyl laughter

Vocal squares
Recorded greetings
Hitting me over the head
Looking for the warmth
Of his

Rough fingers traveling east
Walking through the sand
Desire sings and cackles
Imaginations soar
Found


Pretty cool huh? If anyone out there is reading it let me know what you think...freakin' laundry. I wanted to go to the library to study. But I shouldn't because I think that is where HE is. And I have to be done with that. No more fantasy. Fantasy is fun...but dangerous. Someone could get hurt you know? And it always seems to be me. So, I am doing the mature, responsible and logical thing and doing my laundry. I hate doing laundry. Maybe he'll be there...NO. If he is, then I should just do my laundry later - but before tomorrow 'cause I'm out of clean socks and jeans again. Got enough underwear to get me to the second coming though...tee hee...underwear and coming in the same sentence...like I said - WEIRD MOOD...

Ladies Night!

Tonight was a fun night. Started by getting myself all gussied up (which for me means putting on my good bra and a little lipstick and eyeshadow!) and then I went out with my girlfriends C and B to watch a play. After the play (which was called Love of the Nightingale - and was the best U of L performance I've ever seen...even though I'm not a fan greek theatre) we went out dancing at a local club. I love this particular club because its a 21 club so I was like virtually the youngest chick there. I was making eyes at some guys and dancing my sweet booty away. I love to dance and this place has great music because it has tons of variaty. My friend B had to like get right in this one guy's face 'cause he wouldn't take the hint. She is such a great friend. It is good to have people like that watching your back. So in honour of great friends and girl's night out I am going to add a little bit of inspiration that I found in my inbox when I got home. Bear with me if you've read some of them before...

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone
- Audrey Hepburn

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.

Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

A Woman's rule of thumb,
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it!

And my personal favourite - like my mom always said:

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home!

Life is good...spending time with friends is awesome. I am so very happy right now. Good night folks.

Ten Things I Love About You

Well, one of my favorite kinds of movies are ones that are based on Shakespeare's stuff...he is after all the greatest poet of all time. In the movie 10 Things I Hate About You there is a poem that is read by Cat (Kat?) talking about the 10 things she hates about her man...but she actually loves him. I wrote a poem using the same format about this guy I knew in my first year of University and it is kind of about the things I hate about him but really the things I hate myself for letting me feel. I have found over the last year that this poem is about the troubles I have in romantic relationships in all times - for example I let them make me feel like the bad person, and make me feel insecure. I realize these are my issues and I am working on them. Honest. Anyway...for anyone who has felt that way...here is a copy of the poem...

10 Things I Love About You.

I love the way you smile at me
And how it makes me feel
When I know you're just appearing nice
Like maybe I should kneel

I love the way you glace right through
My face like I'm not there
I love the way you know just how
To fade the Confidence I bear

I love the way you don't understand,
How I cry at night when I'm alone
Becuase I love the way you don't know
That not everyone has someone to own

I love the way you were not the first
To scar my bleeding heart
I love the way I will eventually learn
Which sweets will turn to tart

But mostly dearest, I love the way
I don't blame you for my trouble
For it is plain to see when I find the right
Man, my pleasure, 'twil be double.


What are your thoughts folks? Welcoming any comments...personal experiences...is anyone out there?

Today is a New Day

Well, here's hoping this isn't just another blog full of tears and cliches...but I'm not making any promises. I am a person full of tears and cliches - and laughter...I've always been known for my laughter. A few disclaimers before we start: 1. I can't spell - deal with it. 2. Grammar sucks. 3. Feel free to post comments or suggestions, unless you are dissing 1 or 2, I welcome criticism because that is how I am going to grow as a person!