Talking about stuff...

One of my MSN conversations...Names changed (sort of) to protect the innocent...sorry about the crude jokes at the end...they made me laugh...funny 'cause its true :) Probably too much info for the faint at heart though :)


Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I was having a lonely day myself. I miss you and "the gang"
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
you know I realize that but it gets a little old fast and sometimes I just don't want to put up with that shit. He should have some restraint sometimes and maybe I show more tolerance. Well you can talk to me now have you met a few people in Bonnyville yet?
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Just the teachers at my school. So, the weekends are hard because they have stuff to do with their families or boyfriends/girlfriends then. Even if they did invite me out, I feel so overwhelmed by all the school work I would probably say no 'cause I have to work...then regret it later.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I also am missing mom lots more lately. I've noticed myself getting teary eyed more often and I don't like it.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
that would be natural I might react in a similar way my mom and I are close.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Yeah. So were my mom and I. I used to talk to her every day. I can call/email a lot of people, but I'm the kind of person who likes to put on a tough front and so when I want to talk about how sad I am I chicken out and just talk about all the good things. I think its good to focus on the positive but its also important to express my grief I think. I don't know. I don't want to dump all this
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
on you
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
thats fine I way not be able to say much but I can listen.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Okay. Well like today, I spent the day at the school, I've been here since 10am and I don't feel like I've gotten anything major acomplished. I've worked on things but it is getting out of hand. I've got long range plans due this week that are starting to freak me out. The other grade two teachers had promised to help, but they don't seem to be able to commit to a time. I am at a seminar on
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Thursday and then I have the conference in Edmonton this weekend.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
That means sub plans and other crazy paper work to be done...I'm running out of time and all I can seem to think about is my mom.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I'm sure that if I wasn't thinking about her so much, I would have gotten more work done...I just can't concentrate. I need a "forget about mom" pill to help me concentrate!
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
it may take time don't be hard on yourself
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Well, we both know I'm terrible at that. I dunno. There are happy things happening for me right now. Professionally I am making great strides with the students and the other gr 2 teachers are even taking some of my ideas. Plus there's this conference this weekend, and that should be great. I don't want you to think I'm a big crybaby.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
your just being yourself that is all you can be good things are happening things will work out in the end they always do
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
lol...sorry...that sounded cheesy...but it is true. How did you get so smart?
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
it is not smarts it is experience of life. I have gone through tough times before but I have always managed to move ahead.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
and be the better for it
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I suppose. And I do know I will only be stronger for having surrived this. After all, I am stronger just for the fact that I made the choice to continue my committment in Bonnyville.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Did I tell you my sister got ahold of my brother finally?
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
no how did that go
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
Well...
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
He says he's sorry he wasn't here...and he says he's considering moving out to N. Alberta. He says he's going to fax a resume to sister to help him get work. My experience says that is pretty much bunk. I don't think he'll follow through on any of that. I think though, that sister wants to tell him he can live at Dad's place. I don't know if she has told Dad that yet.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
you know your brother might not talk to you guys much but I am sure that he does care.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
lol...you haven't met him. He talks to sister. I have only talked to him once in going on 13 years. And from what mom said he was like the last time she saw him, I don't want to talk to him. I don't like what he did to my parents and it really hurt my Dad bad when he left the last time...I don't want him to hurt Dad again.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
My brother is the kind of guy who stood over my mother's bed while she was sleeping with a knife.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
I like to think that all of man has the capacity to be good even if evil does seem to the apperance.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I agree. And if I could go back in time, and do some of the work with him that I have been trained to do with children now, I would like to think that he would have turned out differently. I am willing to imagine that he has changed, but he has to show me he has changed with his actions. He knows (because I know Dad and sister have told him) that if he wants to come out here all he has to do is say the word and Dad would get him a plane ticket or even drive out and get him. There is no question there...He hasn't acted on it. I know it would be hard...but he's got to step up to get my support.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
it is all about self recognition your brother can only do that for himself.
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
You betcha. I just don't know that right now is exactly the right time to bring him back to Peace River. That's just my opinion and a choice that my Dad will have to decide for himself. I will be civil to him should he step up, but I won't be begging him to come.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
and as you should
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
I know, and it is also what mom probably would have wanted. She is the voice in my head.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
it is good to remember people close to as they were it helps gives us strength to move on in this sometimes cruel world
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
for sure. So on a less bitter/depressing topic, (or maybe not??) How is rez treating you? Still enjoying the frat house/
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
?
BORING BANTER DELETED...

Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
That is true. And if its just the weekends you are laughing. If you ever need to actually get sleep on the weekends I'd ask R if you could crash on his couch...its pretty comfy.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
that is one thing R and I do have in common we are both heavy sleepers. The roommates were probably loud until five and it didn't wake me up before that
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
lol...you weren't a heavy sleeper when I was over...'course we didn't do much sleeping Sorry...I had to make the joke.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
no I aways had a bad habbit of waking up a 4
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
lol...you sure did. Ah, good times. Seriously though, I guess you can handle frat boys. Plus like you say, its only a few more months, actually only like 11 more weekendsish.
Ct (insert cute saying here) says:
yeah 11 weeks will be fine then I don't have to live with man childs anymore
Pinky - Strength & Courage says:
lol...that is an accurate description I'd imagine. Any thoughts on what you're gonna do in January, or like me are you clueless in that area?

Just Another Manic Sunday...

Okay folks. Its 1:23PM and I am sitting in my classroom. I have been here since 9:30am and really don't plan to officially leave until midnight. I do have to leave briefly around 6pm to put in a load of laundry. What an exciting life I lead. It seems funny some how. And I mean funny HA HA, except I'm the only one laughing. Oh well...I best keep going. Blogger Question: I have a postit on my desk that says "You have the best job in the world." Do you have the best job in the world? And if so, what is it?

Another Email Update

I don't want to write this all again, so here is what I've been sending via email...


Greetings from Me!

How are things in _____? Things out here are going okay. I am getting a handle on all the extra paperwork etc. required in teaching. I had a pretty hairy day on Thursday when my one little guy presented me with an epipan that he was supposed to have given me on the first day of school. I knew he had a nut allergy, but my notes from (teacher I am covering for) said she had talked to his mother and been assured that it was only a minor allergy and that no extra precautions were necessary. I called this child's mom and she had that same attitude but still, there is paperwork and so on involved in me having the medication in my classroom. It really scared me actually, and I had a minor melt down after school because I am not a fan of needles etc. and was not really keen on the thought of possibly having to administer this medication. Anywho, the staff here was very supportive and managed to calm me down. Other than that, this week has been pretty good. I am starting to see some great progress in the behaviors and academic performance of my students which is a real encouragement this early on. I must be doing something right! This week will be pretty busy as my year plan, professional growth plan and individual program plans are due. Also, on Wednesday I have a sub coming in as I am going to Lac La Biche (1.5 hours away) for a conference on (well you know what, I don't know what its on but I'm sure once I figure that out it will be good on the resume ). I also have on Thursday night through Saturday a province-wide conference at Fantasyland Hotel in Edmonton all expense paid!! I am hoping sister will meet me there and a couple of friends from Lethbridge have talked about meeting me there as well. It should be fun. Last night, I rented some movies and just chilled out. It was a nice break, and really the first time I have spent in my apartment except for sleeping since I got back here. I start my swimming again on Monday, the pool here has aqua aerobics Monday -Thursday nights at 8pm which is perfect! I would have started this last week but I was nursing a cold - apparently my adventures in Lethbridge did not agree with my body . I am beginning to think that maybe I can stay in Bonnyville in January. I wasn't sure I could and I was going to run back to Peace River but I did set out to start a new life and career here in Bonnyville and I am starting to think I want to see that through. We shall see. I don't have to decide anything right now. I am making some great proffessional moves though, I will be presenting in-services for the staff here on how to effectively use the internet and computers in the classrooms. This is an area of strength for me and I am happy to help others develop their skills (plus, lets face it, it looks good!) I also created a mini-unit for my students and on a whim shared it with the other grade two teachers and BOTH have used it in their classroom. What a compliment! Anyway, now that I have written you a novel, I will sign off, but I just wanted to let you know how things were here.

Talk to you later,
Pinky

PS: A cute/touching thing happened at school...one of my little guys was using my classroom phone, and posted beside the phone is the letter I got from mom when I returned to school. He can't read very well, and asked what it is. I told him. And then he asked "What happened to your mom?" I said, "She died." (The students did know this already). And then he says "So you can't talk to her anymore?" Well, at this point I'm starting to well up. He noticed and immediately gets this big grin on his face and says "Remember the time you hit the squirel?" Well, I laughed, hard. I had told the class on my first day back, in sharing circle, how on my drive back to Bonnyville, I had hit a squirrel. I had been really sad, and my sister had laughed at me. I had told them how I had swirved to miss the squirel but the silly thing moved too and I got him. I had been laughing when I told the story because it seems funny now. He knew that reminding me of that would make me laugh. A very cool momment. This kid is my "little Newfoundlander" he maintains he is not a Newfoundlander, but has the accent. He tells the best stories in sharing ciricle, for example one storyin included the line "So I looks the bee right in his little eyes, and I pick him up and throw 'im." He's newf for sure!!

Dear Mom

Dear Mom:

I called you today,
Just to let you hear,
How much I miss you,
And wish you were near.

I called you today,
With thoughts all spinning 'round,
About this new job I've got,
And new friends I've found.

I called you today,
When I was feeling blue,
Because someone said something,
That just wasn't true.

I called you today,
To laugh at a joke,
To tell you a story,
About why my car's broke.

I called you today,
To talk about life,
To say there's a man,
Who will make me his wife.

I called you today,
To celebrate with me,
I've bought a new house,
I've picked up the key!

I called you today,
Did you hear the news?
I'm going to be a mommy,
What name should I chose?

I called you today,
Because I don't think its fair,
Each time I call you,
You're away, you're not there.

I called you today,
To say I'll be alright,
I'm going to try heaven's line,
To talk to you tonight.

I also wanted to share this...

Please excuse the little > marks...sorry. This is the tribute that I read at my mom's funeral. I wrote it at about 3am the day after she died (It took me 4 days to finally sleep after I found out she died.) I still haven't really started eating again. I'm lucky if I swallow one meal a day. Anyone who knows me though knows I have reserves and certainly won't starve!

My Mother has been the single greatest influence on my life. She is the> one who not only comforted me when I was teased at school, but taught> me how to have the confidence and intelligence to know how to ignore it> and stand up for Myself. She has always encouraged my desire to learn> more about myself and to consider how my actions may affect others.> She was always a great listener… willing to answer my frequent and> frantic phone calls that ranged from “Can you send me twenty bucks for> groceries” to "I'm lost in Edmonton again" to “ My boyfriend just broke> up with me” to "So how long do I cook that for?" My mom was also my> best friend. She encouraged me to follow my dream of being a> teacher, listened to me cry about how I was certain to fail. She knew I> wouldn’t and offered a hearty “ Suck It UP!!!”………..That may sound> harsh, but my mom knew I WOULD succeed. She was so proud of me and I> hope of herself, for knowing she had been an example to me of courage,> compassion, confidence, perseverance and PASSION. My Mother cared> about the community and always made sure that her daughters learned to> be independent and strong like her. One of the ways she did this was by> making sure that a community of role models and Christian strength> surrounded D and I. Women like (insert names of great woman here...I can't post them) and so many many more. Men> like insert names of great men here and of course my wonderful Father, whom she chose so well. My> mother taught me the importance of family by encouraging me to attend> family gatherings, keep in contact with my amazing Auntie’s &> Uncles who lived so far away. And by helping me learn about the> important bond of sisterhood, by how she modeled it, in her care for my> Aunt S. When I was in grade 2 I wanted to be a nurse like> my mom but by Jr. High, my dream was to be a teacher. I didn’t really> realize it them but I guess my mom was a teacher all along…. In My> classroom I teach math and language arts but in her classroom I learned> compassion, independence, community, family. She lived a great life and> she taught me how to as well. I AM my mother’s daughter, and DARN PROUD> OF IT TOO!

Its time to begin again

Well folks, its time to begin again. I need to rejoin the blogger population. I started this blog as a way to keep in touch and to be one of my own personal therapy sessions. SO ... since I'm not prepared to write about all that has been going on since mom died, I am going to copy and paste some emails (edited) that I have been sending lately to fill those of you reading, in on my thoughts and adventures from the last few weeks. Enjoy. And keep sending me warm fuzzies 'cause I need 'em.

September 5

As you all know, no one could get mom more rilled up faster than AB in the last few years. D (sister) and I made sure of course, with Dad's help that all her "gifts" were on display. You may remember Dad very quickly hanging the crosstitch that had the "daily bread" picture on it. Well, she not only criticised the wreath which had apparently been hanging upside down, but she made it known that the daily bread thing was "meant for the kitchen, but I guess that will be okay." So...Dad had come to ask D and I what to do with the cross that had been engraved with mom's name on it. Since we had been making a lot of decisions, we wanted Dad to make this one. He went and asked AB where she thought he should put it. She had the nerve to say he could give it to her. Dad promptly told her that he wasn't asking to give it to her, but rather where HE could put it. He comes into the kitchen where I was and told me what happened. He also said that as soon as AB left, he was going to hang it on the same hook that he had so quickly hung the daily bread picture. As soon as she left this morning. The cross went up on the wall, and AB's crosstitch came down. I can't lie, but I think that is just awesome!

September 18 (There was one email in between this, but I can't seem to find it)

Well........I did somethnig kind of stupid and irresponsible this weekend. At 3:30pm after school on Friday I was thinking about how much stuff I have to do over the weekend, and it occured to me that even if I stayed all weekend (like last weekend) I would still have tons to do. So I says to myself...self, you can't sit in your classroom doing school work for the entire weekend again. So...I went home changed my clothes, hopped in my car and drove to Lethbridge. Now, I had planned on going to Edmonton (which is 3 hours away), but then I still wouldn't really have tons of people I know there...in Lethbridge (a mere 8 hours away) I have tons of people to visit with and have fun with. I know what you're thinking, Pinky...how can you drive 8 hours just to "hang out with friends for a day." Well I tell you I needed it, I loved it and I don't regret it.

I got in to Lethbridge about 11:30pm on Friday night and met my ex CT, and our mutual friend R at one of the local watering holes. I ditched my car there and we went to a couple of places to listen to music. I called up one of my roommates (and best friends), M, from last year and arranged to meet her after she got off work at The Duke (this great little pub near the University) and we gatherered up a few more friends and all sat around to catch up "tells some lies" etc. About 2am we (CT, R and I) went back to R's to watch a movie. Ct wasn't feeling well so he left (and I had already arranged to crash on R's couch) so R and I decided to watch a movie...put it in but ended up talking all night. He listened very well to what I had to say about mom, and he shared some stuff about him and it was very nice. So I finally crashed on his couch about 7 in the morning...I slept for a bit and then decided it was time to go get my car. So I got Ryan to take me to my car and then I did some shopping...nothing special, just some little things for my classroom. I went to Staples and hung out there for a while, catching up with the staff there and meeting some of the new staff (if you didn't know, I worked there all through Unviversity). Then Ct and I went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (excellent movie by the way) and then M and I went out for dinner at my favorite restaurant. It was so great!! I just needed that little bit of "normal" for once. What I mean is that while school and Bonnyville is becoming my "normal" it isn't quite yet. The familiarity of Lethbridge was what I craved.

So....then I did something kind of dumb. After dinner (about 10pm) I could have stayed at Melissa's place, but I decided that I should head back to Bonnyville so that I would have time on Sunday to get some work done. That's right, at 10pm I was going to begin my 8 hour drive. Looking back I wonder about my brain cells. I did make the smart choice and chose the route that has more cities to go through because that way if I ran into trouble I wouldn't be "in the middle of nowhere." So the drive was going great, I wasn't tired or anything, I was still excited about how much fun I'd had...but around 3:30am I did start to get tired. So, I made the smart decision to pull over and have a nap. What I did that was stupid, was leave my lights on while I did it. I slept until 8:30am (oops!) I wake up and of course, my car wont' start. Crap. Well, I've got AMA but I can't really remember which town was the last I passed, so I don't really know where I am. All I can think at this point is...ya know, this is EXACTLY why mom hated it when I went on long road trips. I just can't seem to do them without some kind crisis. So I open my car hood, pull the booster cables out of my trunk (THANK YOU DAD!!) - although I wasn't sure why I did all this...booster cable only work when you've got another car to do the boosting!

Anyway, not 2 minutes later but a very kind man stoped, laughed at my story, boosted my car, and I was on my way. As I started my car, I could hear mom saying "You've got horseshoes up you..." well, you get it.

So yeah, I'm a little crazy I gues, but it all works out right? I have not regrets about the trip in general, I just should have stayed at M's Saturday. I know better now. Honest.

Sorrow

My mother, Ethel Marie Friesen, passed away on Monday, August 29, 2005 at the age of 54. That's all I have to say about that right now.