Sorry

(Please don't roll your eyes or puke after reading this post)

Sorry, I just needed to get that out.


Seriously though. 8 months ago after THAT NIGHT, I decided that I am an amazing person, with a lot to offer, who can function and thrive as a single person. There would be no need in my future for a man, or a lover or anything. Then, on January 14, I decided that although there was still no NEED for a man or a lover, having one would be alright as well. I spent the following 3 1/2 months in virtual bliss. Then virtual hell. Then, by the end of June I had it all figured out. Once again, I would be alright if I were single. Then. Ct. Caused. Problems. (Periods for emphasis). We chatted, it was great. We chatted again, also great, plus he "misses" our conversations. Then the emails. Then the MSN messenger, then online poker & blackjack....I remained strong for a while, but I am wearing thin. I miss him too. Alright. I admit it. It is possible that I am in love with this man. I don't want to be. Its too complicated. But as I understand it, and from what I can tell, its not a choice I get to make. Unless someone out there knows of a sure-fire way to cure the curse of long-distance sudo-love? I'm probably reading too much into his side of the conversations. He probably doesn't miss me emotionally, spiritually, romantically. He probably is bored and lonely at his parents house. Maybe that's my problem too. I don't know. And I don't know how to fix it, or my pain becuase he's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. Yes I know that is cliche but it is also a fact. Its hard to breathe and hold back the tears. Should I continue and try to get over him? Or should I find a way to be near him and tell him how I feel? I'm just tired of hurting and the crappy thing is, his arms around me is the best cure for my pain.