Yep

So...we had our chat...he kinda got a bit angry, didn't really say much, but our date on Friday was a bit awkward. Then last night I had some friends over...his and mine, and everything seemed back to normal. He also said he respected me for my honesty about the whole thing. I'm so glad. I was so scared. Now I'm not. Yay. Gotta get back to the planning, remind me tomorrow to write about the great things happening in my classroom at school.

Scared

Okay, I'm scared. I don't know what to do or say or whatever. Things with Ct have been great. We still talk everyday, and after tequilla night at C's, on Sunday, he called me and we went for coffee. Monday night we chatted on MSN and Tuesday night (last night) he and I joined my roomies at the Duke for Karaoke. We weren't there long, but he and I "cuddled" on the couch for a while. Okay, so what do you have to be worried about then, you might ask. The fact of the matter is that physically, this relationship is moving at lightning speed. For me anyway. I'm doing stuff with him, I've never done before and as we get closer and closer to "it" I am starting to panic. I like him a lot. And I like how he makes me feel but I am just not ready to make that step yet. That may seem bizarre since I am getting old (22) and should have done "it" by now...but I'm an old fashioned girl, and for all my talk otherwise, I would really like to wear white on my wedding day and mean it. I don't know though, if I tell him that I'm not ready, how he'll react. Always in the back of my insecure head is the thought that maybe he is just with me for the fooling around. I know I would feel like garbage if I did "give it up"and then we broke up. For me, there just has to be a bigger commitement than that. Part of me wonders though, if it is just by big fear of intamacy creeping in. And if I choose to abstaine, how do I tell him? I told him once that I wasn't ready but that was a week ago, and we've done lots more since then...he could have the wrong impression PLUS, I do some of (not all) the initiating so what if he thinks I'm a tease...what if I lose him and never find anyone else...*crying*

Fabulous

Just got home from another wonderful evening with Ct. We went to C's house for tequilla (Margaritas and Movies) night. I'm a little drunk right now so I best stop writing...but it was great. Trust me.

WOW

WOW. FANTASTIC. So if you can't tell, the date went well. We went to our movie and we had almost the whole theatre to ourselves (only 2 other people!). Then he asked to see the school where I teach (How cool is that!!!???) And then I drove down to the river because we were talking about our favourite childhood memories and a lot of mine have to do with the Peace River. And then he said that lots of his had to do with a lake near where he grew up and so we drove out to Park Lake, and parked. And talked and stuff. I asked him what changed his mind in January to have the courage to ask me out and he said...ooh, this gives me goosebumps...that over Christmas when he was talking with his best friend and family, he found himself talking about me a lot, and about how I "made him forget his worries." All I can say is that I am practically speechless. And I know its getting repetative, but I'm really happy too!

Now, on the business side of things. Today is the Education Job Fair, so I have to get my resume together and start my job hunting. Wish me luck! Maybe I'll run into him at school today...

Still Smiling...

Ooooohhhh....so very happy. Just got off the phone with C...we talked for 45min again. He called me!! I can't believe how wrong I was about us not having anything in common...it may seem silly but I found out tonight that both our dad's have the same career! I've been blushing a lot lately...mostly 'cause my friends are razin' me about him but I think the biggest thing is my smile. At school on Monday morning the other teacher's could tell something was up and were buggin' me about it so that when my students came in my face was just burning red and the students were like "Miss. *******" why is your face so red...and then it just got redder....if anyone is interested in reading the poem I have started to write about this whole thing check out my sister blog http://pinkyspoetry.blogspot.com .

That's what I'm talking about...

So.

Do you remember that guy that I blogged about in the past, the one we went on a couple of dates but it felt very one-sided and I decided I wasn't going to be the girl who chased him? Well...my friends and one of his friends kept telling me that they thought he was still into me...and to be honest I sort of thought so too, but I wasn't sure. The idea definately intreiged me though and I was always interested in getting to know him...but I didn't want to chase him. Well...

Based on last night, it would appear that he has liked me since then. He was just really shy and it turns out he's probably just as inexperienced as me in the whole relationship deal so he wasn't really sure how to approach me. But last night, he got it all together and we had some fun. I am so excited. He called me tonight and we talked on the phone for like 45min which is huge for me 'cause usually I HATE talking on the phone. He has finally opened up and I think I really like him. I mean, I want to get to know him a little better and I think we are definately going to take it slow. I am just so very flattered that he likes me and he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Wow, I just read that and its a little cheezy, well a lot cheezy but its true. We are going to go for coffee on Friday. He probably would have wanted it to be sooner, and so did I but I am just so busy with my teaching stuff that I just don't have time before that. Plus I am super broke and I don't get paid until Friday. I don't want to go anywhere where I can't pay for myself if need be. Can you believe it? Pinky is dating someone!!!!!!!! Oh, I feel a poem coming on... I just can't stop smiling!! (PS: We made out last night and he didn't go home until 330am....) Still smiling....My roommates are going to have to peel me off the ceiling with a spatula... :)

Much Better

Just wanted to let you all know that I had a much better day today, and here's to hoping tomorrow will be even better than today!!

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad, Day...

Actually, it wasn't that bad. I just had one bad experience. I don't really want to talk about the experience 'cause I've already put it past me. Now, in the aftermath, I am just learning to deal with the fundamental issue that caused the problem in the first place. And that issue, my friends is self esteem. I need to remember that my worth as a person is not wrapped up in my ability to be perfect, or even in my ability to be a teacher. I have to remember that constructive criticism is not an attack on me as a person. I need to not allow people to make me feel dumb or stupid. The fact of the matter is, I will only feel stupid when I let myself feel stupid. I am a bit of a perfectionist, okay, I'll admit it. I don't mean to be, and I certainly am not in every aspect of my life. But in the areas where I am, I am very touchy and EXTREMELY sensitive. I set my goals so high that I forget sometimes that I am still learning. I said something very wise today (I don't know if I've heard it from somewhere else, or if its an original thought...) and that was "If I was done learning, I'd be dead." That is very true you know. I plan on learninig throughout my life. And in my life, as the title of this blog suggests, I am trying to learn how to live. When I finally get it all figured out, I would assume that God will call me back, after all what is the point of going on if I am not learning new things? Anyway, I was just painfully reminded today that I am not perfect, I am still learning and that that does not make me a stupid person or any less of a person. It makes me human, which, by the way - I am very happy to be.

A Tiny Bit More Procrastination...

Okay, so I'm still taking a break from the Unit Plans. I was checking out the "next blog" feature and I saw this one guy's blog and he had a "year in review" thing for himself and I thought...its still January...I wanna do that too, so here it is:

January 2004

Spent New Years Eve travelling from PR to Lethbridge. The clock struck midnight at the UFA in Red Deer (Gasoline Alley) - that sounds a lot more pathetic once I see it in print.

I start my second Professional Semester. Drama Methods with John Poulsen will be the most relevent course of my University Career. Thank you John.

I lose it on my roomate because I am sick and tired of her loud sex. I understand - she's having fun...I'm not.

February 2004

Procrastinated my a$$ off and have the week from hell where final assignments are due in all 5 of my classes within a 2day period...if I add up all the percentages of weights it totals over 300%. I nearly die from lack of sleep and swear I'll never procrastinate again - HA HA

Go on a day trip to Duchess, AB (population 863 people) to see where the school I will be teaching at is. Drive through Brooks...it smells like poop.

March 2004

Begin teaching Jr. High - love it for the most part but am ready to kill myself because some of the students have such behavior disorders.

Have the scare of my life when my teacher mentor threatens to fail my ass. Nice.

Have a major breakthrough with behavior students, I now want a career specializing in Special Education.

April 2004

The evening before my last day of practicum, I get a phone call that my mother has had a heart attack. I almost do as well because of the thought of losing my mother. I vow to change my lifestyle dramatically (this lasts approximately 2 weeks).

I can't get all my stuff into my car and end of leaving stuff in Lethbridge with my emergency move to Peace River.

Turns out Mom is okay...I help around the house as she recovers. She hates that I'm there "taking over." That's gratitude for you.

Go to Calgary to help my cousin 'cause her son is in hospital and she has 2 other little ones at home and her 14yr old daughter had been staying home from school to help. This is amazing birth control...waking up in the night for a baby sucks. But it was fun playing with her and holding her during the day...

May 2004

Still unemployed. Decide to paint bedroom - purple, green, pink and yellow - in little 12 x 12 inch squares. I discover that the walls my dad built down there are not square.

Work at Extra Foods for 1 day - hated it.

Employed at Tim Horton's...its okay but do I have to wear the visor??

Get a job at the Peace River Centennial Museum and Archives - love it. This is the best summer job ever.

June 2004

Help organize the Herritage Run in Peace River. Did you know people can run 5km in like 23min!!!!! I would die after the first 100m. Maybe someday...

Quit Tim Horton's - one job is enough and I hate that visor.

July 2004

I turn 22. I experience a mid-early-twenties life crisis when I believe I see grey roots coming in. Dye my hair red and blonde and end up looking like a chicken.

Get sunburned at Canada Day events while tatooing small children with Canada flags.

Make 150 mini Canada Day flags out of toothpicks and stickers for the Canada Day cookies.

August 2004

Find out from the University of Lethbridge that I cannot do my final practicum in Peace River if I still want to do a specialization in Special Education. Crap. Major life decision. Decide to go with the Special Education.

Move back to Lethbridge...praying for good roomates - its my fifth year, don't I deserve good roommates?

September 2004

I finally get good roommates. I am very excited about this.

Roommate M goes home with HIM after the first cab of the year. I am confused, kind of angry but end up not caring because it means that he is around more.

Date C for a week following Tequilla party part One.

M and HE break up. Nothing in common is cited as the cause.

October 2004

Tequilla Party Part II- I refuse to play Asshole with the guys because it gets too competative for my blood. C says less than 5 words the whole night. In a truth or dare question I admit that I would give HIM a lap dance because "he is my friend and he'd forgive me" he responds by hugging me and saying "I'd love you for it." I am confused.

I run sound for Nothing Sacred. I am busy but enjoy it.

I set my fitness goal. I want to eventually participate in the Herritage Run.

The Meliorist (http://www.themeliorist.com) begins publishing my poetry. YAY!

THAT NIGHT occurs. Confusion and anger follow in the later week.

HE finally comes over to talk about THAT NIGHT. Cribbage is now banned in my house.

November 2004

I started my "Learning to Live" blog because I needed to get all my thoughts out of my head. They were interfereing with my classwork.

The Meliorist requests more of my poetry. How flattering.

My Aunt and Uncle come down to visit me. We have a great chat and my mom sent a care package with non-perishable food items. Jackpot!

Edward's cassorole is born.

December 2004

I decide that alcohol makes good people do bad things and DD for my friend B's birthday. C and B pee in a park in Coaldale.

Monopoly night is born. It was awesome.

I procrastinate again and discover that I might fail English. The computer gremlins eat my essay and I pull all-nighters for a week getting all my projects done. Will I ever learn?

B moves away. So sad.

I am broke and start working at Staples again.

I cook for 40 people at a family gathering in Peace River. I rock.

New Years eve I drink an entire bottle of red wine. Wow...so drunk. I hope I didn't do anything stupid...

Visitor Question: What was your favourite part of 2004?

I surrived...

Well, I had my first day of teaching today. To be honest, I was kind of bored. Is that totally bad? I enjoyed my intereactions with the students but the mountains of planning and preparations that I have to do here at the beginning is starting to grate on me. I know I will appreciate all my hard work when crunch time starts to hit, and being organized will help keep me from falling behind...but OMG!!! Its a really big school and everyone seems nice enough but I am used to small staffs and this one has over 50 people. Everyone kind of has their little cliques etc. and it was hard to get to know some of the other teachers. I really miss the last school I taught at. There was about 20 teachers there and the ones teaching in my division were really friendly, we went out for drinks sometimes and talked about stuff and they were really more like friends than anything. I don't really see that happening here. Maybe I just need to give it more time. I do want to stress that its not like anyone was rude or anything...its just a different kind of atmosphere when the staff is that large. Anyway, I best get back to my unit plans - yipee!!

Visitor Question: What's your favourite memory from school?

Check it out...

Check out my new page - http://pinkyspoetry.blogspot.com to view my poetry. Feel free to comment when you like.


I start my internship in 7 hours...wish me luck!!

Growth

It is hard to be perfect
Never making mistakes
Never loosing my temper
Always playing fair

It is difficult to be flawless
Trying to fit in
In an imperfect world
As the eye of the storm

It is complicated to be pure
Never doubting my beliefs
Never crying over silly things
Remaining strong, firm and established

It is tricky to be picky
With everything in its place
No dust in the wrong places
No stains on my character

I have only one wish
Just one thing missing
I cannot seem to grab hold of
Lessons, learning, life…love?

Family Gathering

So I prepared and helped my family clean because we had the family gathering at our house this year. We were expecting about 30 people so I made lots of food and they were going to bring salads and deserts. It was awesome we had plenty of food and although it was a little crowded with a total of 42 people showing up, it was good fun. After we ate and chatted for a while some people went to the sled hill and my dad took a group of people out to the Pulp Mill where he works for a tour. The rest of us just stayed and chatted. The following day was the 29th and I drove my friend M and my sister's friend J to Edmonton. We left at about 3pm 'cause M had to work until then and the roads were quite crappy. That was okay with me 'cause I am good at driving on winter roads. My mom wanted me to stay in Edmonton that night but because it had just started snowing between Edmonton and Lethbridge I wanted to keep going because I knew that by the next day the roads there were going to be bad as well. I arrived safe and sound in Peace River at 4am only to find that my keys were in the suitcase at home that I had decided not to take. Crap. So I called security and they let me in and I went to sleep. On the 30th C and HE came over for a nice chicken dinner that C and I made. We broke open a bottle of cherry wine that C had helped to make and it was awesome. We chilled out after dinner and watched a movie. Very nice.

New Years Eve.

I worked all day and then headed over to my friendly neighborhood liquor store. Got me some Red wine and headed home. When I got home, there was a note on my door from HIM. It said "Call me." Okay, well that is a request I've never got from him before so I did. He wanted to join me at J's party next door. Alright I said. He said what time are you heading over, I said 1030-1100 ish and he said "oh, that late, well I'll come over and hang out with you before that and then we can go over together." Well. I dunno, but I guess I'm still a little uncomfortable hanging out with him by myself. So, I said sure but in my mind I was thinking, as soon as you get here we are going next door. And we did. And we played some really fun new drinking games and we laughed and listened to music and had a good time. I managed to drink the entire bottle of red wine and was quite inebriated - but I behaved myself. I only made one little comment about him "getting me drunk so he could take advantage" and he looked really hurt so I kind of wish I hadn't said it. I was just joking at the time. Its not like he actually ever took advantage of me. Anyway, that was probably one of the only awkward momments. Oh wait, except at midnight. So everyone around us is in this huge liplock and I'm thinking "don't even think about it buddy." I mean I swore after the last time he kissed me that if he were to ever do it again - he better mean it. But he is a smart guy and he hugged me instead. That was cool. Weird, being the only couple hugging instead of kissing but the best and most appropriate move on our parts. He came over to my house to use my bathroom once and he entered my room. That was not cool. Anyone who knows me knows that my room is a disaster are and I am embarassed by that. So, I don't usually let people in my room. I think it was November before I let some of my roommates see it. Its just how I am. Door closed. Anyway, he goes in there so I yank him out and I'm not sure he noticed just how messy it was 'cause he was overwhelmed by my wall of poetry. It can be overwhelming. I post all my writing and thoughts on my wall. For inspiration, anyway it is covered with printed pages, written pages, newspaper pages and about a million little yellow sticky notes. He's like, I'm seeing a side of you I've never seen before. I'm like - yeah, and you weren't supposed to. So we went back next door. I only lasted about another hour or so and then I was like - bedtime for Pinky. So he and I hugged once more and I went to bed. I had one ripper of a hangover the next day and then I was fine for a day and then I got the cold that I am recovering from now. Which reminds me BENYLIN - EXTRA STRENGTH FOR CHEST CONGESTIONS WITH MENTHACTIN - GET SOME...it works great.

So yeah, that should about catch me up on my blog. I start teaching tomorrow so I gotta get on that planning and prep stuff. Maybe tomorrow if I survive the day I will have some interesting stories for here....

Christmas and New Years

Well I had a request to fill y'all in on my Christmas and New Years are you ready? I arrived in Grande Prairie at 1am on Christmas Eve and my Dad picked me up and took me to the hotel where he and my mom were staying. We slept for a couple of hours and then we picked up my crazy Aunt (I say that with love!) and we went home. On the way home I discovered that although my family had agreed "no gifts" they had all changed their minds and forgot to mention that to me. So once we arrived in Peace River I ran around town like a mad woman trying to find gifts for my family with no money. I think I already mentioned that my sister and I actually went to the Gas Station that night to pick out stocking stuffers!! Christmas morning we opened presents and I got a strainer (actually, I got $10 from my Aunt Christmas Eve and she told me to pick up a strainer for me and my sister - and we wrapped them and put them under the tree:) ), 2 novels, a scarf, a cheque from my Dad and a GC for Penningtons and some new pajamas from my mom. Pretty decent haul considering we weren't going to do gifts. Then, I proceeded to take over the kitchen where I cooked the turkey, and fixings for my family. We had yams, turnip, brussel sprouts, mashed potatoes, 2 salads, a 3 Layer jello, stuffing, turkey and gravey. I cooked it all myself. While cooking this wonderful dinner I came across a bottle of baileys in my mother's cupboard and made myself a irish coffee...and then another. When I set the table, my mom pulled out a bottle of non-alcoholic wine (which I hate) and so I poured a cooler into my wine glass. Well for some reason, during the eating of this fabulous Christmas feast, my face got a little red and my voice got kind of loud. By the time I realized what a "pickle" I was in, my parents and sister had also realized and were teasing me. I was so very embarassed and the more I tried to hide my drunkeness, the worse it got. Oops. On boxing day, my sister and I got up at 5:00am - I repeat - 5:00am to drive 2 hours to Grande Prairie for boxing day sales. We had to. We had Gift Certificates for Penningtons and they were having a huge sale starting at 7am. We didn't want all the good clothes in our size gone by the time we got there did we? Anyway, we picked up my sister's friend Mike from Spirit River and hit all the sales all over GP. It was a lot of fun. Then, when we got back I went out for coffee with my friend MG from Peace River and her new friend from the Carribbian. On the 27th I began planning and preparing because we were expecting over 30 people for the 28th.....


I'm going to post now and continue...I just don't want to lose all this...

I lost my Cherry!!! LOL

Have you ever had a cold that hit you like a freight train? I mean like you hurt from head to toe so bad you thought you might prefer to be hit by a train ‘cause it would be faster and maybe you’d die and then there’d be no more pain? I have a cold like that. That’s one of the reasons you haven’t heard from me in a while. My head is stuffed up, my nose is stuffed up, my chest and lungs are full of something ‘cause they don’t seem to work properly, my body is trying to cough it all out but can’t so it keeps trying so hard that the muscles in my stomach and back are screaming. I coughed so hard that I tore the little piece of skin under your tongue…are you grossed out yet? ‘Cause I haven’t even mentioned the fever!!! I’m actually feeling much better now, still coughing and sniffling etc. but my brain is able to function now. My computer was sick too…got a virus…shelled out the $70 for the anti-virus software to fix it – should of done that a long time ago, oops. Anyway…

So I had a great holiday at my parents, it was good to see my family again. My sister and I got along surprisingly well, maybe we’re growing up? I wrote all about my Christmas adventures yesterday but somehow lost them before I posted the blog. BAH! So I’ll just leave it alone.

I start teaching grade 5 on Monday. I’m definitely getting nervous/excited but I still have lots of prep work to do.

I was at the school yesterday and happened across a Meliorist, that’s our student paper and what did I see, but another of my poems. I had forgotten that they still had some of my work on file. Its one of my racier poems and I’m kind of embarrassed that it is in there because HE reads my poems in the Meliorist and HE was there when this poem was conceived. HE actually said the line “its under your chair” Its kind of funny 'cause the poem isn't actually about losing one's virginity - but it is nicely ambigous so it could be. Well, so that you guys have a clue what I’m talking about, here is a copy of the poem. And in the idea of stealing the Stranger’s idea – here’s a blog question for any of you popping by “What’s your most embarrassing moment?” Come on share!!

I Quit

I lost my cherry.
“It’s under the chair.”
The ultimate sacrifice“
For me or for him?”
She cries
Outloud
For the fifteenth time.

Can I do it this time?
Can I commit?
With my heart,
And my brain,
And my health?
My treasure is yours.
Will you ask for it?
Will I offer?

I am torn inside,
With fear and contentment.
For I know this lovely
Will not last.
I’ll start, and I’ll panic
And I’ll get the shakes…
All for the loss of a cherry