Yellow Roses

A single Yellow Rose
Lay upon the dusty mound
A symbol of the memory
For another teardrop found

Once around that Yellow Rose
There was laughter oh so near
Now it simply lies alone
No smiles beside it here

The Yellow Rose remembers
The lessons life had taught
It cries out to who will listen
About the battles it had fought

Oh Yellow Rose, oh Yellow Rose
Won't you please stand tall?
Mind the trouble in the way
No jeers should make you fall

That Yellow Rose was there for you
Before, remember when?
Take that with you, to keep you strong,
Until you begin again.


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When I was home in Peace River last weekend, I left a yellow rose for my mom. I remarked how lonely that rose looked on the loose dirt that covered her grave. I thought, maybe I was like that yellow rose...and wrote this poem.

PS
Yellow roses were mom's favourite...
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Maybe...

Word on the street there is a job opening at the elementary school I went to in PR...that could be an answer to prayers. I'm still seriously considering the Lethbridge option though. Either way I will not be buying a couch for here in Bonnyville. Did I mention that? I feel that at this point if I buy any furniture it will be like I'm staying for sure. It would be semi-permenent then. My friend P (another 1st year from a different school) laughed when I said that. He said that buying a couch doesn't mean you're staying...it just means you rent a truck instead of a trailer the next time you move. Good point P. But still, I'm not ready to buy a couch. IF said last night I shouldn't get my hopes up about landing a job in Bonnyville. I'm not sure if he was trying to hurt my feelings, but it did. Ass. Anyway, I still need him to be my mentor so I'll try to be civil. I will just try and keep "wowing" them here so that I can move on, be successful and follow my dreams. Growing up is tough eh?

PS: Two people commenting on my stressing recommended tequilla...should I be concerned? Or should I just agree and have a drink? Bottoms up!!!!

IF it is over

Dear IF,

I know you didn't realize that you were my IF. But I just want you to know it is over. You are too immature and petty and I am tired of hearing about your previous if. I get that she broke your heart. I get that you can't stand her. Please stop talking about it. You don't know much about me, but you have been good to listen. I can see the games you're playing though and they are not the kind I am interested in. Its been swell, but its over. You are no longer my IF. I here-by declare you my ex-if. BAH!

Pinky

Yeah, I don't know why I wrote this since he'll never realize it...but I think I just wanted to have a written reminder for myself of how I feel after having a big chat with him. He's playing games and I don't do that. Period.

November

So far, November has brought me the following:

* A scary dose of insomnia
* A TV (bought to help with insomnia)
* A confuddled IF situation
* A few tears
* A view of the week following Halloween from the teacher's point of view
* A discovery that I have not been getting paid entirely whats owed me
* New friends
* A resolve to try and make this Bonnyville thing work.

I am sleeping eratically to say the least. Whenever I think I should go to sleep, I seem to come up with lists of things that I should do before I sleep. I am concerned that I think I may never wake up again.

I bought a TV. I lived two full months without one. I don't technically watch TV though because I don't have antennae. I do now have the ability to watch DVDs though. Spent an entire weekend watching season one of: "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" I had forgotten how close Dean Cain and I used to be.

The IF situation. He is so very not into me. He is in fact using me to help scope girls. I don't have the balls to stand up to it. Am looking for them, will put a stop to it as soon as they are found. Invited me and 3 other teachers to his place for poker night. I'm so very excited about this. I saw him the afternoon before and had to break it to him that the pretty young teacher (who had a boyfriend) was not going to make it. We figured we could go on with the rest of us. Half an hour before I was to go over recieved a call that he was going to the hockey game instead. Found out he canceled with other two teachers as well. I was frustrated because now I was to spend Saturday night alone. Would have LOVED to go to hockey game but thought it would be awkward since he didn't ask me. Razed him about it on Tuesday morning. Wednesday he invites me to hockey game. Love to go, agree to go. Can't make it because of family crisis. Away from the school Friday for PD, come back to check sub plans and he has left a note inviting me to hockey game on Friday night. Oops. Promised a friend I'd drive him and his wife to Edmonton. I don't know. Quite frankly I am less than concerned about it.

A few tears. Miss my mom. Figure she should be able to help me sort out the chaos that has become my life. It is chaos you know. I need to be in control and am not. . . maybe that helps explain insomnia??

Still love teaching, having some difficulty with parents of students. In the interest of keeping my job that is all I will say about that. Major stress in my life though. Maybe I should get a job teaching in an orphanage?

Found out my paycheque has been about $400 short each month. Clearly I'm making too much money since I didn't notice...still wouldn't mind getting that straightened out. Freakin' paperwork. If I get it, I'm going to buy a couch, table and chairs. I'm sick of my lawn-chair furnished apartment.

I have been busy making friends with other teachers at the school besides IF. This is going well. I am going to miss them after Christmas.

Still don't really know what I'm going after Christmas. I keep looking for jobs. I'm thinking that maybe I'll move to Lethbridge and try my hand at subbing there. Plus, I can use Staples as a back-up...there are cheaper places to live there... I would ideally find something here that I could do but - that most likely will not happen so...whatever. Gotta go...IF just walked in.