Voice

***new poetry entry @ www.pinkyspoetry.blogspot.com***

My mother is the voice inside my head
She is the one telling me to say "I'm sorry"
And to give that person a hug instead
Of crying, screaming or shouting outloud.

I hear her telling me that it will be alright,
That sometimes our days don't work out
How we wanted to, inspite
Of how hard we worked.

Sometimes her voice, it calls to me
And reminds me that I have worth
That I have the strength to see
How much I have to offer the world.

It happens to me every day,
When I'm emailing a friend or just
Having a chat, not much to say
But she makes sure my words are kind.

She speaks to me of truth, passion and tenderness,
Of joy and courage and committment
She says I should accept nothing less
Of myself or of the other who surround me.

My mom reminds me to have fun
To think happy thoughts each day
To take a nap in the sun
At least once in a while.

Her voice is ever-present
And it will remain that way
For she modeled what success meant
For her daughters here today.

I maginary boy Friend or the case of the IF

I can't believe it has been almost two weeks since my last post! I just got back from a most delightful and enlightening weekend. I have learned a lot about myself and about my "friends." I had great visits with B, M, E, A, R, Ct and my sister, D. There were some not-so-fun parts of the weekend, but it ended with some great old-fashioned girl-talk with M and E, my roommates from last year. I really miss those chats. I would love to go into all the fabulous discoveries I made about myself this weekend and I hope to very soon 'cause after all, I called this blog "Learning To Live" because I want it to be about all of life's lessons and the process of writing about my irrational thoughts and emotions helps me sort and organize them into rational thoughts etc. Anyway. What I would like to write about tonight is my imaginary boyfriend. I don't know if I have mentioned this phenomenon in this blog yet, and am too lazy to check, so I shall explain. My imaginary boyfriend is a fellow teacher who I am seriously attracted to, but I know he and I will never be anything because of numerous factors. But as anyone who knows me (or has read my historical entries) knows, I have an extremely bad habit of "over thinking" things and of making a little thing into a big thing...which means even though I am cool with imaginary boyfriend not being interested in being any more than friends, the irrational/emotional side of me still kind of produces reasons why his actions mean more than they do and MAYBE he is secretly attracted to me but doesn't have the self-confidence to admit he might be attracted to the fat girl...I dunno...you probably don't either...if fact you're probably thinking "what the hell is she talking about?" Let me explain using the actual situation...

So tonight, after I get in to Bonnyville (I've been in Lethbridge for Convocation), as only a first-year teacher would, I go to the school first instead of going to my apartment. I check my email, answer an excellent question posed to me by my friend A, and in comes Imaginary boyFriend (we'll call him IF - do you see how that works?), IF asks how my weekend, listens to my retelling of events and we're laughing and joking, he fills me in on what happened at school today (apparently my sub didn't show - yipee!), and then the Janitor comes in to say he is leaving and its just us in the school. When the Janitor leaves IF says "I actually brought my dog to see you but then (Janitor) was here." So the irrational/emotional Pinky is now thinking...IF came to see me thinking we'd be the only ones at the school...he thought enough to bring his dog 'cause he knows how much I wish I had a puppy...how sweet (insert teenage girl giggle in thought process I'm sure)... I mean REALLY. The rational part of me says "PINKY" "You know better, he is just trying to be a good friend and mentor. His actions don't mean anything more than an offer of friendship." The rational part is probably right (it tends to be) but alas, I kind of wish that IF didn't think it would be so terrible to date someone who can't run or play sports, or wasn't deathly self-concious of her lack of physical fitness that she can't seem to fix the problem. I wish, that I didn't have to go home to an empty apartment with a lawn chair and boxes that are not unpacked even though I've lived there for 8 weeks already....BUT MOSTLY I wish that I didn't have these kind of thoughts, or feel the need to share them with people. I need to suck it up and quit being a juvinile idiot. And apparently I need a hug. But seriously, my weekend rocked, I guess I'm just sad its over.

How true is that?

These wise words were passed on to me...I would like to share them as I find them to be very true!

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

There is a solution!!

Take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Hello

"Hello"
Playground school bell rings

again

Rain clouds come to play
again

Has no one told you she's not breathing?

Hello

I'm your mind
giving you
someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't
believe
Soon I know I'll wake
from this dream

Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello
I'm the lie
living for you so you can hide

Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello
I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday


****Perfect representation of how I feel...and how I feel most days lately...thanks Evanescence****