Insomnia strikes again...

Why can't I sleep???

Cute

Had to add this...my puppy sleeping under my desk at my feet while I have written these posts...isn't she adorable?

How did I miss that...

Since I was just clearing up "the lost months," something was bothering me...it would appear that I never wrote about something that happened in November. Now, since I am only writing about it now, I don't know why I didn't write about it before. There is an entire trip to Lethbridge that I didn't write about. One that I spent almost entirely with CT...in a hotel room, if you catch my drift (how could you not?) The only reason I bring it up now is since I am airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, it is relevent. It is relevent because it is one of those things in life that a person really regrets. I really regret doing that. I mean, CT and I had a friendship thing going. And then we have this weekend - which wasn't so great at all, sorry CT. I thought, at the time, that was what I wanted...but it really wasn't worth it in the end. 'Cause now things are awkward between us. I have totally been avoiding his calls, emails etc...mostly because I don't know how to spend time with him in person now, without him thinking that I'm going to jump him later. He keeps suggesting we get together again...but I'm just not interested any more. Anyway, as a good friend once told me "don't give it away for free Pinky!" I think I'll stick to that. Any suggestions on how to make contact without making contact? I still enjoy talking to him...

Pinky's Lost Months

Well, I didn't do mych today...I did the dishes, read a book, decided to write about the "lost months." I refer to the months where I didn't blog. I most certainly should have blogged, 'cause then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. I shall begin.

Moving back to Peace River was harder than I expected. I really missed Bonnyville and the friends I made there. I missed my students, IF, etc. I missed the freedom, I missed being able to go to Lethbridge to visit M and E. I think without consciously realizing it, I had hoped that my mom would be in Peace River. I spent at least the first month believing she could quite possibly walk through the door. I was expecting her to give me shit for moving in with Dad - after all, I was supposed to move out and only visit home after last summer - I was not to move back in again. Slowly into February I realized she wasn't coming back. I also was experiencing difficulty at work. The students were difficult I was recieving negative feedback from my "colleagues" and flack from the parents. March brought more of the same, only intensified as my "first year teacher" illnesses began to surface. I conducted PTI's with a monster of a cold, missed almost a week of school because I was so sick. For those who know me, I rarely miss anything for illness...I just keep on trucking. April was a turning point professionaly, I figured out how to "handle" the issues with other staff members and my students and I found some common ground and made excellent headway there. Personally though, I was still facing difficulty. I missed my mom and began to realize she was not coming back. I still was (and still am) slightly in the "denial" stage of grief but leaning a lot harder into the anger. I became very anti-social (even more so than I had been Jan-March), I noticed myself becoming bitter and critical...and not confident in myself socially or professionaly. This continued and worsened in May and June as I began looking for work and faced interviews and rejection. Lets face it, there was a job opeing at my school and they didn't seem interested in hiring me. That is a little hard on the ego. I had by now stopped returning phone calls and emails from friends like CT and so on. I had turned of my MSN, losing contact with many friends. Then at the end of June, my Uncle passed away. While I was not close with him, he left behind 2 daughters and a son who are close in age to me. I made sure Dad went - but I didn't go. I probably could have, but didn't. I hid behind the excuse that "I started the year with a funeral, I didn't want to end with one." I didn't even call...haven't yet actually. I have been smoking excessively and binge eating like you wouldn't believe...I don't even want to think about how much weight I've gained. But tonight (or this morning), I made a big step. I went to the IGA and instead of buying potato chips and other "food" I purchased 4 cans of Slim Fast, some milk and some fruit. I will start the Zyban again tomorrow morning. Now don't get all excited, I most likely won't actually quit smoking, but I should be able to cut back - and the binge eating has got to stop. I am going to go get my hair cut and coloured (that's another story for another blog) and buy a swim pass. I have 1 month left this summer to make some serious physical changes. Now miracles like this won't happen over night, but I've made these changes before and achieved success so here's hoping I can make it stick this time. I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of aching backs and sore feet. I'm tired of getting out of breath doing small tasks. It is time my friends. Time to start living and stop killing myself. There have been times over the last 6 months where I have been so sad I have wanted to die. I think in a way, my behavior has been such that I wanted to speed of the death process so I could see mom again. But her voice has been getting louder and stronger lately and I know she is telling me to grow up. She once told me that no child of hers was ever going to committ suicide and folks, I think that was the path I was on. I'm off it now. We shall see how it goes. Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you posted. Oh, and for any friends out there reading this who haven't heard from me in a while - please forgive me.

Peace Fest

Well today in the town of Peace River is the annual Peace Fest. There is loads of activities and concerts ect. going on. As a rule I try an avoid this hubub as it makes parking and travel difficult and it just it not my scene. I actually would have enjoyed going to the concerts this year but alas had no one to go with. Oh well. I went to some of the stuff downtown today, took Maggie and stayed until I got bored. We just kind of wandered around to look at the sights. See picture. There is also jet boat racing going on. I would have loved to see some of that, however it was impossible to park anywhere near the goings on and my new sandles have given me the mother of all blisters on my feet. This is Maggie's fault as she ate my shoe. See picture. Anyway, after that, I brought Maggie home and put her in the yard with the sprinkler on and went to the library. Grabbed a few books to read on the porch as I have gone through my collection at home. Nice peaceful abliet noisy day (see comment about jet-boat racing). Tomorrow I am off to Crooked Creek as one of my cousins is to be married. Good for her, I say, I hope she's happy.

A Couch - my kingdom for a couch

For my loyal readers, you may recall that in Bonnyville, I debated the idea of purchasing a couch for my apartment. For me, the purchase of a couch indicates a desire to stay, it indicates a committement or permanence to a residence. So here's the question...when I move to trout lake - do I buy a couch? I can not say, until I have actually spent some time there whether I will live there for more than a year. Do I bother to move a couch (and believe me - it would be a bother to get it there) when I may not be staying? If not, am I willing to sit on lawn chairs for a year? In Bonnyville the lawn chair was a reasonable alternative as I could jump in my car and go places whenever I wanted...the nearest "place" is 3 hours away once I am in Trout Lake. If I do get a couch - do I buy one to "borrow" one from Dad's? We do have count with me folks - 4 couches...the 2 that would be available to me are pretty to look at, but uncomfortable to sit/lay on...OH BLISS, I do believe I have found my solution...upon looking in the corner, I have forgot the most important thing of all - the comfy chair!!! My sister will be mad I am taking it but so what! The comfy chair is perfect- not a couch but just as cozy and if I bring some lawn chairs then any company I have will have somewhere to sit (a big up on the Bonnyville apt where guests sat on the floor - so then I rarely had guests). Hurray for the comfy chair!! Now...who is going to help me move???

Relaxing Day

Well, I woke up this morning and decided to clean up all Maggie's toys in the yard so that Dad could mow. He did, and then I set up the sprinkler so Maggie could play in it. She has a love/hate relationship with the sprinkler. I don't think she believes it belongs in "her" yard...but I also think she loves "fighting" with it. She runs around jumping and biting at the water spray until she is soaked through. On a hot day, I'm sure it feels nice. I am trying to talk my Dad into booking a cruise or other "sunny spot" vacation for Christmas this year. I think it would be fun - I really want to go and I do believe we may be able to talk him into it. Have you ever been somewhere sunny? Let me know how it was - any travel tips etc.

PS For those wondering...the circle in the grass is where her kiddy pool was...she ate the bottom out of it so I had to throw it out.

Boring

So, today I volunteered at the museum. There was a group of 3-5 year olds there. It was hard giving a history tour to children who have no concepts of a day or a week, let alone a couple hundred years. It went well though, basically I just let them wander around and answered their questions. We then did a little craft. After only an hour I was exhausted. I hope to never be a kindergarten teacher. Remind me of that statement if they assign me to kindergarten at trout lake.

After the museum I met up with an old friend and we went to the movies and had a beer at the pub. It was nice. We saw Pirates, so that's two nights in a row for me. I still love Johnny so did not mind. I am looking forward to Pirates 3. I have also decided to go to the caribbean on a cruise in the next year. With my new pay increase it should totally be possible. I may even be able to go as soon as Christmas. I really want to see if the ocean is as blue out there as it was in the movie and I want to see the beaches and the islands. We shall see.

I'm noticing I'm not as ranty as I am sometimes. Aparently I either have no emotions or I am out of practice for this blogging thing. I'm thinking its the latter.

Cool

I just figured out how to add pictures (I know, I know...its not so hard). Anyway, here is a picture of Maggie - my dog. She is about a year old and very smart.

She's Back!

Well folks. I'm here. The next six months - in a nutshell: Moved back to Peace River, lived with Dad, taught Grade Two in Peace River, Got a puppy in January (look forward to many stories about her!) Spent a lot of time wallowing in grief and eating chinese takeout, job in Peace River ended at the end of June, got hired today to teach in Trout Lake. Trout Lake is a tiny little reserve in the middle of no-where. Its going to be a challenge living there, but I'll tell you all about that as it unfolds. I miss my mom a lot. It seems to be getting worse instead of better, but I think moving out of her house will help.

Tonight I went to see Pirates of the Carribbean - Dead Man's Chest. It was an interesting movie. It had less Johnny than I would have liked, with the focus on Will instead of Jack. Oh well. Tomorrow I am working / volunteering at the museum. There is a group of kids coming and I volunteered to give them a tour and do a craft with them. It should be fun.

So - does anyone out there know how to delete comments from this site? I don't really want to be advertising porn but apparently if you leave your site for a couple of months that is what happens. Freaks.